INTELLECTUAL GERMAN MALE Stop reading Heat magazine! Intellectual German Male wont be seen dead with you if you dont. Distinguishing marks: Looks and dresses like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society." Just less American. Favorite Activities: Listening to 1980s hard rock and moaning about capitalism, the euro and the fact his rent costs more than 3 pounds a week. Birkenstock-wearing, lentil-eating, Organic German Male is right-on when it comes to global warming, nuclear power and organic gardening.Hes spent his entire life cocooned in a university, is fluent in Serbo-Croatian and doesnt own a television. Habitat: Pseudo-arty Berlin cafés with gilded mirrors and black and white pictures of Marlene Dietrich on the wall. OSSI GERMAN MALE He can say "I Love You" in Russian. For Ossi German male -- a product of former East Germany -- life was better when the Berlin Wall was still standing, or so they'll tell you. Yawn Distinguishing marks: Organic German Males usually have big troubled eyes (the planet is dying, you know).Habitat: Weekend hunting parties hosted by random Barons; posh Berlin hotels that serve Five-O-Clock Tea, Viennas Opera Ball, Wimbledon, Ascot, Marthas Vineyard etc. Reminiscing about his time at English boarding school.
Favorite Activities: Hiding copies of "The Da Vinci Code" in bookshops. The Catch: Every time you try and talk to him, hell be too busy reading or having important thoughts." The truth is: Intellectual German Male is probably a misogynist and, frankly, you never had a chance. Habitat: Look for Organic German Male in organic supermarkets (by the Tofu) and at anti-fur or anti-America demonstrations.But before you enter the minefield that is German-men-dating, be sure you know what's awaiting you.The Survival Bible has put together a guide to some common Teutonic types.The Catch: Aristo man probably has a vast Schloss somewhere on the Rhine, a place so beautiful you start fantasizing about updating it with expensive Italian furniture. Once he gets you home, all the I-want-to-be-English-just-like-you-my-sweetness business will swiftly come to a screeching halt.Aristo German Male may even initially encourage your fantasies. You will be forced to eat Leberwurst, meet his 100-year-old granny and walk the family gun dogs -- who, sensing that youre not really posh, will bite you.Our advice: Be careful out there -- there is always a catch.ARISTO GERMAN MALE Daddy was the Kaisers favorite nephew. Its just a shame Germany got rid of their royals in 1918.It is perfectly possible for an attractive woman -- who in most countries wouldn't have a second to powder her nose from so much flirting -- to stand in the corner alone at a German party and not be approached a single time.Bottom line: If you want a relationship with a German dude, be prepared to do the heavy lifting yourself.The aristos didnt get anywhere in life by changing their ways, now, did they?Distinguishing marks: On paper, the little von or zu -- or even more absurdly, both -- tagged onto his last name is a dead giveaway youve met a man of Teutonic Sang Real.